


What once seemed like forever

by honeywolf



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 10:52:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeywolf/pseuds/honeywolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>I don’t want you to leave me,” he mumbles, hugging Tony closely.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>“I will try to stick around as long as I can.”</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There is a not quite unspoken truth between them: Tony is mortal whereas Loki is not. And even though Loki has the means to prolong Tony’s life, he won’t use them. Not if Tony doesn’t want to. After all, Loki keeps his promises, even if it means his heart is going to break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What once seemed like forever

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the 2013 Frostiron Bang.  
> Special thanks go to [theyaoibandits](http://theyaoibandits.tumblr.com/) and [Jayne](http://lazyjayneislazy.tumblr.com/) for beta-ing and [caz2y5](http://caz2y5.tumblr.com) for doing [fanart](http://caz2y5.tumblr.com/post/61093050689/this-is-my-art-for-the-frostiron-big-bang-the).   
> Also thank you, [lightneverfades](http://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/), for the wonderful [graphic](http://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/61318435661/what-once-seemed-like-forever-written-by/) you made. <3

****

**Official Frostiron Bang Art by caz2y5**

**Graphic by lightneverfades**

**I.** **The end.**

 

It’s time. Deep inside of him he knows the time has come, even if part of him doesn’t want to realize it. But JARVIS hasn’t given an update for what seems like hours now, because he _knows_ he doesn’t have to. Looking at the white ceiling, Loki tries to fight back tears, but it’s no use, they will come either way.

Is this where it ends? He can’t quite believe it.

His hands cover the cool, soft fingers of the elderly man next to him, who is sleeping quietly in his bed. His white hair is starting to thin out and his face is full of wrinkles. With his index finger, Loki carefully traces the lines around his eyes, one by one, then he brushes softly over his cheek before placing a light kiss on it. His lips touch the skin a few more seconds than necessary and he allows himself to suck in the scent of the man once again. After all these years, it is still the same.

“Sir?” It is JARVIS – if Loki didn’t know he was nothing but a machine, he would think there was bitterness in his voice.

“Now would be a good moment to say goodbye.”

Now is also the moment Loki finally starts to cry. With the back of his hand, he wipes the tears away, trying to ignore how they are blurring his sight, holding back a sob for as long as possible, but eventually, he can’t hold it anymore.

_Don’t die. Don’t die. Don’t die don’t die don’t die._

Without thinking, he conjures up a ball of light blue energy, which starts hovering between them, tinting the room in cold light. Now would be the last chance. He could save him. He could try everything possible to undo those last decades. He could keep him a little while longer.

But in the end, he doesn’t. In the end, the ball of healing magic thins out and vanishes and the breathing of the old man is noticeably slowing down.

_Could you open your eyes one last time?_

But his eyes stay closed. Loki again brushes his fingers over the aged skin, runs them through the fine white hair and by now he doesn’t care that his tears are falling all over the other man. He doesn’t care that he is sobbing uncontrollably. He doesn’t care that he has lost the last bit of control over himself. Shivering, he presses his lips on the old man’s forehead.

He has told himself he was ready for this. But now he knows he isn’t. He would never be ready for this, not in a hundred years and not in a thousand. And definitely not today.

“I’ll miss you,” he whispers softly. “I’ll miss you every day. I’ll miss talking to you, I’ll miss your jokes, hell, I’ll also miss your bad days. I’ll miss our fights. I’ll miss all those word plays I was never able to understand. I’ll miss your stubbornness. I’ll miss your smell. Your voice. Your mere presence.”

His hands find their way to the other man’s chest and he doesn’t need JARVIS to tell him that the heart underneath them is making its last beats.

_Ba-dum._

For a short instant he is again tempted to use his healing powers. But no. He has promised him not to.

_Ba-dum._

He retracts his hands from the man, running his fingers through his own hair instead. He isn’t ready. Not at all.

“It has been a pleasure being with you,” he mumbles, barely audible.

_Ba-dum._

“I love you, Anthony.”

_Ba-dum._

It’s over.

 

**II.** **The human mind is fragile.**

At eighty years, two months and six days, Tony Stark forgets the name of his partner for the first time. It happens when eating dinner – Loki has set the table, as he always does, and Tony has just sat there, on his chair and watched the news on the big screen hovering in mid-air. This is something they have always done the same way for the past couple of decades – Loki cooking and cleaning the rooms with a wave of his hand and Tony reading or watching TV. Sometimes when his hands still allowed it, sketching plans or building some kind of machinery, never without a glance at Loki (preferably his backside) from time to time.

This time it hasn’t been different and Loki smiles at the old man when he puts a pan full of pasta and two plates on the table.

“So, has there been anything of interest going on?” Loki asks after Tony has switched off the TV.

For a moment, Tony looks almost bewildered, then he frowns, turns his head to the screen and back to Loki.

“Probably not. I haven’t paid attention.”

The dark-haired man smiles sadly. There have been signs of memory loss for the past few months – small things like forgetting what day it is or telling him the same stories over and over again. Like usual, he is tempted to just stretch out his hand and let a bit of magic into Tony’s body, just enough to reverse the declining memory, the aching back, the trembling fingers. But as usual, all he can do is smile and pretend everything is alright.

They eat and Loki doesn’t even taste the food, when he is slowly swallowing one bite after another. His eyes lay upon the small figure on the other side of the table, his shoulders sunken, his once dark brown hair now white. There isn’t much left that differentiates Anthony Stark, the former Iron Man, from any other elderly man, except for his insistence in wearing those ridiculous T-Shirts and the arc reactor, faintly glowing under the thin cloth.

Loki tries to see the younger Tony instead of this one. He tries to suck in every fragment that is left of the man he had fallen in love with those many years ago, but as time passes, it has become more and more difficult. At times, all he can see is a pathetic, old man, desperately trying to cling on the last bits of youth left just to please his physically much younger lover. Of course, there is not much he can please any more.

_Why don’t you want to eat one of Idunn’s apples? Why do you decline my help?_

The old man almost doesn’t resemble Tony anymore, as he sits there and tries not to let his fork fall with his trembling fingers. But still. He has made a promise. And Tony is still there, coming out sometimes, making him laugh and forget. Every day he tries not to cry from the pain it causes him having to watch his partner wither like a flower. He is still there and that’s all that counts.

They finish their meal in silence, each of them lost in thought. When Loki is finished, he stands up, his plate in his hands.

“Do you want some more?” he asks Tony, who is scratching his fork over his plate.

Brown eyes look at him in astonishment, then search the room for something that isn’t there.

“Who are you?” Tony asks and for a moment it seems like he sees Loki for the first time.

All Loki can do is to think of the promise he has made.

_Are you going to leave me this soon?_

**III.** **A thought.**

The golden apples of Idunn weigh heavy in his hands, each one of them a masterpiece of its own. Carefully, Loki sets down one of them and examines the other one, brushes his fingers over the soft golden skin. One bite. One bite and Tony would have a few more years left. His hand grabs a kitchen knife, he positions it right above the apple, but before he can cut it, he hesitates.

He has kept a promise.

 

**IV.** **The gods of thunder and mischief.**

“It has been a long time, brother.”

It has indeed. Loki has been on Midgard for over thirty-five years now, and the last time Thor has visited this realm he hadn’t cared to pay him a visit. He wonders what has changed thunderer’s mind now.

“Why are you here, Thor?”

The time on Midgard has made him more direct. Humans don’t use that many empty phrases and particularly Tony doesn’t care about them, so Loki has gradually adapted.

“Is your own brother not allowed to visit you? I wanted to know if you fare well.”

He has long ago started to ignore the fact that Thor still calls him brother. Nevertheless it opens a small wound every time he calls him like that.

“I _do_ fare well. Is that all?”

Green eyes stare into blue ones.

“No, it is not. There is another matter about which I wished to talk to you. My coronation takes place soon.”

A small smile escapes from Loki’s lips.

“You will be a worthy king.”

He even means it. Compared to Odin, Thor will be a thousand times worthier. His heart is pure, his intentions are good-natured. He will be a king who is loved and worshipped by all of Asgard and the other realms.

“I would be honored to have you as my guest, Loki.”

“You know I can’t. I am banished, forever to live on Midgard.”

Thor makes a step towards him and lays both his monstrous hands upon his shoulders.

“ _I_ am going to be king. I can lift the banishment; I can do so even before my coronation. Our – Odin has forgiven you many years ago. Come back where you belong, Loki. You are missed.”

Silently, not able to say a word, Loki shakes his head. Where he belongs? Have they forgotten? And isn’t it about him forgiving Odin for not telling him about his true heritage? Isn’t _he_ the one who has to forgive?

“I _am_ where I belong, Thor. This is my home now. Here, with Anthony by my side.”

This time it is Thor who is shaking his head. His eyes speak of disbelief. Sadly, he brushes Loki’s cheek, as he has done so often when they were younger.

“Do not lie to yourself. Midgard is not your home, nor will it ever be the place where you belong. He is mortal, Loki. He is a mortal, and he is aging. How much more time has he left? Ten, twenty years? Years in which he will further disintegrate until you cannot tell him from a corpse while _you_ are still looking exactly like on the day that you have met him. I have heard what they say. That he won’t allow you to use your magic on him, that he won’t eat Idunn’s apples. I have heard about the uncountable times you have tried persuading him.”

Often these days, when it comes to the topic of Tony, Loki has to fight back tears.

“There is still time left. He won’t die any time soon, there are still years that I can spend convincing him. One word from him, and I can undo everything, I can make his body young again. He knows that. He is just not ready.”

“What if he never is?” Thor says, and looks him in the eyes.

There is so much more behind this simple statement. Words, that Thor does not have to speak, stand between them. What if Tony is too stubborn to take a bite of one of his golden apples? What if it is too late when he finally decides to prolong his life? What if he dies? What if he leaves Loki behind someday, in this too-big house, full with technology that is more than one step ahead of all of Midgard?

What if, some day, Loki is alone again?

“He will be ready some day. I am sure of it. He would not leave me.”

And while both of them know this is a lie, Thor doesn’t comment on it but instead closes his arms around him.

 

**V.** **Scars.**

The lines in Tony’s face are beginning to deepen and the life in his eyes is slowly vanishing. Loki wonders how many decades they have left together, when he lies next to him on their bed, kissing the aging skin of his partner. He lies on his side, his back facing the man who is supposed to be his lover.

Is it hard for Tony to look at him? Lately, it seems so. Loki takes a look at his own naked body, flawless in every way, with not a single scar to be found on the delicate, pale skin. He has more than once told him that he loves the way human skin can tell stories.

_Remember that scar? The one right above your collarbone? I have bitten you there, claimed you mine._

He kisses every little scar he can find on Tony’s body, every imperfection.

“I love you,” he breathes in between his shoulder blades.

“I love you.” He kisses the lines around Tony’s eyes.

“I love you.”

 

**VI.** **Tony’s birthday.**

It is his sixty-second birthday, which makes it twenty years now that they are together. The interest around him has died since he has forever dismissed his duty as Iron Man, and Tony finally decided to celebrate in private. This would be one of his first birthdays without any publicity.

Sighing, he raises the glass of champagne to his lips and takes a sip. He has never thought that highly of alcohol, but on Midgard there at least is some variety and even Loki has to admit that this champagne is exquisite. Taking another sip, he takes a few steps away from the other guests that don’t exactly talk to him anyways and sits on one of the garden benches.

“You don’t exactly look like you are in the mood to party,” a voice says behind him and he smiles as Tony places a kiss on his cheek.

“I’m sorry, I don’t see how knowing that you are another year older is a reason to celebrate.”

He feels Tony’s fingers running through his hair gently, when the other man seems to not know what to say for once.

“I understand how you feel, Bambi.”

Bambi. How he hates that name.

“You do? Then why don’t you help me with it? Why don’t you take a bite of Idunn’s apples? Why don’t you prolong your life for a bit? _Why don’t you just stay with me a little while longer_?”

The last bit has been louder than he has intended it to be and some of the guests are staring in their direction shortly, but their interest is soon caught by another song the band is playing.

“I told you, Loki. I told you all those years ago. I can’t. I am not sure I ever will.”

“And I’m not sure if I can ever let you go. No, I’m sure I can’t. I have never thought of being dependent on someone, but I am. I depend on you, Tony. You have changed me so much in such a short time. You have made me more human than I ever intended to be. Please. Don’t leave me alone. Let’s live forever, Tony. Or as long as we want to.”

But all Tony does is slowly shaking his head. I have let you take your time when you couldn’t tell me you love me. So please let me take my time with this one. We are talking about prolonging my life. Living forever, for centuries, millennia. I don’t think a human mind, even the one of a genius, can understand such a thing. And you don’t even know if it would work, do you? What if a bite of the golden apple kills me? What if it is poisonous to humans?”

He is right. Loki knows it. But still.

“I just don’t know what I am going to do without you.”

Tony kisses him again, this time on the forehead, and for a moment Loki feels reminded of Frigga, who always kissed him on the forehead when he was a kid.

Tony smiles a sad little smile and Loki tries to do the same but the corners of his mouth just won’t lift. All of a sudden, he is yanked up from his sitting position, and pulled closer to Tony.

“I don’t want you to spend the little time we have together sulking and being sad. Come on, let’s party.”

 

**VII.** **Love.**

It has taken him years to get out those three words. So when he happens to say them one day, Loki is every bit as surprised as Tony.

They are in one of Tony’s favorite restaurants, one of the fancy types, and Loki is dressed in a dark green suit that fits with his eyes. Midgardian clothing still seems strange to him, but he has gotten more or less used to it by now. Still, the lightness of the clothes is something he sometimes feels uncomfortable with.

When they are eating, their hands touch every now and then, which makes both of them smile stupidly every time.

“I love you,” Tony says, when they have finished their dinner and are heading for the door. Loki flashes him a smile, but he doesn’t say it back; he never has. There is something deep inside of him that keeps him from saying those three words.

Of course he loves Tony Stark. He has been in love with him for years now and it’s not like Tony doesn’t know that. He shows it to him in every possible way and he has told him uncountable times that he cares about him, but it’s not the same. Tony has even told him that he doesn’t care if he can’t tell him that he loves him, that it doesn’t matter to him, because he knows he does either way, but Loki doesn’t quite believe that.

They decide to take a walk on the beach and Loki cannot care less if his suit gets dirty from the wet sand. He takes off his shoes and walks side by side with Tony, his shoes in one hand and his hand in the other. He could make the shoes vanish, change his and Tony’s clothing to something more comfortable, but he has long given up using magic for everyday things, except for cleaning. Tony hasn’t ever said so, but he knows he feels uncomfortable with him doing so.

He doesn’t know when he has started taking care of Tony and doing things specifically because Tony likes them. He is still surprised of himself every time he does so. Maybe it is because Tony has been the first person in his life that has really cared about him. The first one that has given him exactly what he needed without asking for anything in return. Exactly like right now, after years of being together. Tony knows Loki has trouble telling him he loves him, but he gives him the space he needs, waits for him to tell him when he’s ready, doesn’t urge him.

Tony is waiting for him. Suddenly, Loki stops walking and stares at the other man with open eyes. Tony is waiting for him. Tony, who has so little time left in comparison to him, is waiting for him. And he never even once complained. He never even once told him to get his feelings straight, he never even once urged him to do anything. He has been just waiting for him to be ready.

And now he is.

He lets his shoes fall on the ground and takes both of Tony’s hands.

“I love you.”

He presses his lips onto Tony’s and after a moment he feels Tony’s hands letting go of his and pulling him close instead.

“I knew. I always knew,” Tony breathes against his lips and pulls him even closer.

 

**VIII.** **Promises.**

It’s a day after Tony’s fifty-first birthday and all he wants to do is stop time. But instead, he finds himself in an embrace, as soon as he walks out of the bathroom.

“I want to talk to you about something,” Tony says softly, taking his hand and leading him upstairs on the roof terrace, where he simply sits on one of the cushions that are spread on the floor, indicating to Loki to do the same.

“I know you want me to take a bite of one of your golden apples.”

Loki nods, astonished. Why would he know? After the one time, years ago, when Tony had almost taken a bite, Loki has never again mentioned them.

“I’m sorry. And I understand if you are angry with me, but I can’t.”

“Why?” Loki mouths, when disappointment floods over him.

“I am terrified of the thought of immortality, Loki. For all my life, I’ve thought I would die at a young age. First the drugs and the alcohol, now I’m Iron Man. I have never believed in a long life, I’ve never been afraid of dying. It is something I have put behind me a long time ago. The idea of living, however… Sorry, Bambi, I’m just not ready for that. This sounds awfully selfish, I know.”

Loki swallows, taking in what he has just heard.

“Is this all that you wanted me to tell?” he asks cautiously.

Tony shakes his head, putting his hands on Loki’s shoulders.

“Will you stay with me even if I grow old and grey and forgetful?”

Despite his disappointment, despite the feeling that is growing inside of him for a long time now, the knowledge he is going to lose Tony eventually, he nods.

“I will.” His voice is hardly more than a whisper.

It almost comes as a surprise when he is kissed hard on the lips.

“One more thing. Please, do never try to prolong my life. Let me die when it is time. Please promise me that. It is the only thing I ever want from you.”

He feels sadness coming up, he feels the knot in his throat almost instantly when Tony is speaking. But nevertheless, he nods.

“I promise.”

He is pulled in another kiss and Loki cannot help but wonder why this kiss feels like a goodbye to him.

“I don’t want you to leave me,” he mumbles, hugging Tony closely.

“I will try to stick around as long as I can.”

 

**IX.** **Idunn’s Golden Apples.**

He cannot quite recall the exact moment when his satisfaction with the present has become a craving for more. Most of the time, the thought keeps hidden in the back of his mind, but right now, with one of Idunn’s Golden Apples in his hand, the thought is very present.

“What is this?” Tony is asking – and he is quite sure the moment he has started longing for more is linked to the moment he has started calling Anthony Tony in his head.

“This is one of the Golden Apples of Idunn. They are the source of my immortality,” he says easily and takes a bite, before he carefully touches the delicate golden skin of the apple.

“So… you are not really immortal?”

“I have a naturally long lifespan, but without one bite of an apple every few decades I would start aging and die eventually. All the people in Asgard eat them and I could take three apples with me, they will suffice for at least some hundred years.”

Tony nods, his eyes fixated on the apple.

“Does it only work for your species?”

“Seeing as I am… a Frost Giant and they have the same effect on me as on Aesir, I cannot see why they would not work for other species.”

There is a spark of interest in Tony’s eyes and Loki smiles a small smile when Tony snatches the apple out of his hand.

“May I?” Tony asks, raising the apple to his mouth.

He nods. He has never really thought of it before, but Tony, after all, is mortal. A bite of the apple every once in a while would definitely not be wrong.

He does not instantly realize Tony’s hand has stopped mid-way to his mouth.

“How long are we even talking about? How long do they stop me from aging, if they work, I mean?”

All Loki can do is shrug.

“I do not know that. It could be years, but also decades. I would go for a small bite first.”

But Tony shakes his head and puts the apple back in his hands.

“Sorry. I can’t do that.”

And all Loki can do is wonder.

 

**X.** **The beginning.**

The moment he identifies the feeling inside of him as something more than affection, it hits him hard. In all the years of his existence, he has never felt something like this before. Sure, he has been close to a handful women and men, but never has he felt a feeling of such intensity. Smiling slightly, he reaches out to the man, who is sitting beside him and runs his fingers through the short brown hair.

“This is real, isn’t it?”

Loki has to think about it for a moment, but his heart is screaming at him, instantly shouting _yes, it is real, it is the most real you have felt in centuries._ Still, it is hard to comprehend, so Loki says nothing, just reaching for the other man’s hand, lightly brushing over the sun-kissed skin that seems so dark in comparison to his.

“I take that as a yes, you know?” Anthony looks over to him and flashes him a smile, his eyes sparkling golden and reflecting the sunset. He leans closer until Loki can smell him, the distinctively human smell of sweat and sun and motor oil and something more, something he cannot lay his finger on. They don’t speak, just sit there, side by side, watching the waves, the marvelous sunset, listening to the birds’ cries – Anthony has called them seagulls – and feeling each other’s vicinity. The wind tugs at the clothes that are still foreign to Loki, causing the soft fabric of his shirt to bulge above his skin. Simultaneously, Anthony slips his hand underneath his shirt and touches his skin lightly, sending a shiver across his body. Instinctively, he moves closer to Stark, who raises an eyebrow in an amused manner.

“We should go, it’s getting chilly.” Anthony stretches his legs, but before he stands up, Loki catches his wrist.

“Don’t.”

“You’re obviously cold.”

“I am obviously not. I cannot even feel the cold. Stay, please.”

He curls up beside him when he sits down again and instantly feels an arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t want this day to end,” he states, his words hanging between them, almost inaudible over the sound of the sea and the crying of the seagulls.

“Why, we can make tomorrow exactly like today.”

Loki slowly shakes his head. “You cannot be sure of that.”

And, more importantly, _he_ can’t be sure. How long will it take for Anthony Stark to wake up from this dream they are dreaming together at the moment? How long until he realizes who it is he shares his bed with? Loki hasn’t talked to him about it – too short has their time together been, and too consumed have they been with doing… other things.

“I can. I promise, tomorrow will be as great as today.”

“And the day after?”

The human’s face is suddenly only inches apart from his own and the brown eyes are sparkling again, but this time with sincerity despite of his small smile.

“What are you implying?”

“I am still your enemy. I have killed hundreds of your kind. We cannot stay like this forever.”

Anthony’s half-smile vanishes.

“I have killed too. And you are not my enemy. Not anymore. The Loki that was my enemy is long gone and you know it.”

“Still. I am not sure what it is we are doing.”

“I guess you could call it savoring the moment.”

Their hands find each other one more time and Loki feels Anthony’s warm skin brushed against his, the warmth of the other body not going away even as the sand under his body began to cool. The sun is almost gone now, just a few last rays of sunlight tinting the world red and the few clouds above them pink. He closes his eyes, almost expecting Stark to surprise him with a kiss, but instead he is drawn closer. He allows himself to take a deep breath to smell this wonderful scent again, when Anthony puts his hands around him.

“I think I might fall asleep soon.” They haven’t talked in a long time, and Loki, whose eyes were closed, opens them at the sound of the other man’s voice. He does not comment on it, just smiles and buries his head deeper in Anthony’s chest, letting himself fall even deeper in the hug.

“Me too,” he whispers after a while, when the sky is slowly fading to black.

“Will you still be there after I wake up?”

Loki is taken aback by the question. So it seems Anthony is not as carefree as he wants him to believe.

“I will,” he whispers, letting himself falling back into the sand and taking Anthony with him.

The first thing he sees when he opens his eyes shortly before falling asleep are stars. He starts counting them, feeling the heavy but not unpleasant weight of Anthony’s head on his shoulder, sound asleep while he is curling his fingers in his hair. His other hand finds its way to his chest until it rests directly over his heart, feeling every heartbeat.

_Ba-dump._

He does not exactly want to think about the future and he has a feeling he does not need to. His lips curl into a smile again when Anthony lets out a snore.

_Ba-dump._

He won’t think about tomorrow again.

_Ba-dump._

It feels like an eternity to him, watching Anthony’s chest rise and fall, what in reality are only minutes _. I want this forever_ , something inside of him whispers, but he does not listen. They have had today and maybe they will have tomorrow, but the most important thing is that they have this moment, they have now. Now is what counts. So when he curls up next to Stark again, his hand still resting right above his heart, sucking in the smell of sea-water, sun and the hot summer air, it does not matter if they don’t have a future. All that matters is the eternity of this instant, of him waking over the human beside him, taking in all of his fragile beauty full of impermanence, the smile full of pure happiness. He is smiling and the hands that are wrapping around him, not even letting go in his sleep. And when Loki eventually closes his eyes he does not think about tomorrow, all he concentrates on is the steady heartbeat beneath his fingertips, each single beat another moment of pure perfection. He concentrates on the warmth of the hands on his back and Anthony’s hair that is tickling his shoulders. He does not think about the future. He thinks about the present, because it is the best he has ever had.

 


End file.
